English

I'm often ambivalent about the choices I make here. It's hard to make friends in a language one's not comfortable speaking, especially when it's not the cool thing to do. Most everyone speaks in English most of the time.

There are students who don't really care much about learning Chinese, so they never speak it when they don't have to. They've come to China so they can add another "exotic" adventure to their list of global tourist experiences. They seem to make friends easily, because they go out a lot and don't worry about using the language.

There are also students who are so good at Chinese that they don't need to speak it as much. They've come to China to boost their reading and writing skills, and don't need to bother speaking Chinese among a group of Americans. It's easier to speak English, and they don't need to practice their Chinese.

Then, there are the people like me. We want to learn, and speak Chinese as much as possible, but have trouble fitting in with everyone who doesn't. We have to study all the time just to keep up, and can't go out with everyone half as much.

Of course, no one fits these stereotypes perfectly, and many of them will speak Chinese for my sake. It just makes things difficult, because the people I'm always around and should be "having the time of my life" generally hold me back. When I'm feeling strongly about that, I don't talk much and just seem quiet and weird. But I hold myself back when I let myself speak English to them in order to be friendly.

无可奈何。。。只好找平衡态。

I'm between a rock and a hard place... All I can do is seek some kind of balance.